Finding Release While Being Restrained

Surprising Lessons From Shibari—

I divinely met Kati at a birthday party a few weeks ago and immediately inquired about a 2:1 couples session as shibari has been “on my list” of experiences to try, and my partner wanted to expand his skills.

My interest in had shibari peaked recently, I’ve been learning and exploring conscious k!nk and what incredible healing is available in this realm. My journey to accepting my own k!nks, without judgment, has been an interesting (and fun) exploration for sure!

Being bound and at the “mercy” of another, for me, is about trust & surrender. I’ve had a combative relationship with both of these up until this experience.

I can ALREADY feel a deeper shift.

Conceptually, I’ve learned a lot about surrender, learning from people like Michael Singer and Ekhart Tolle. But simultaneously embodying this idea and the physical experience of surrender was another level; I’m excited to see what unfolds from here.

The next day I was reflecting with my partner about the shibari experience and realized some things about the dance between perceptions & trust.

Trust, which for me has been a lack of self-trust. The shibari experience requires trust in another. I find trusting others incredibly easy (potentially to a fault at times); trusting myself has been different.

The lack of trust in myself shows up as me allowing the desires and opinions of others to dictate my actions because trusting others OVER myself is what has felt safe.

I have experienced myself to be incredibly perceptive, picking up on subtle energetic shifts that go unnoticed by most. Which is a gift, but I’ve allowed this gift to become a curse. Instead of trusting myself and what I know to be true, I allow these energetic shifts to make decisions for me. 

What this looks like is:

When I’m in a relationship I tend to lean towards keeping the peace. When another wants to do something, I tend to bend and be accommodating, which generally is not a big deal. But when there’s a disagreement I have found myself reaching half way, and then being asked to reach even more, ultimately I would forget the original reach and reach even further in order to keep the peace.

This has been something as simple as what to eat for dinner or as complicated as the location we’re living.

So, when I wanted to take photos and share the shibari experience with you all here, I was surprised when I saw the photos and videos that I was filled with insecurity, jugement, and shame. I realized I was creating a story of what others may think. Or more specifically, what one person may think.

One person.

After years of conditioning, that let’s be clear, I inflicted upon myself with my strong desire to keep the peace in the relationship, I realized that I’d begun to see the world through the lens of that relationship and the role I played… and therefore making decisions and taking actions (or not) through that experience.

I’d given away my trust to another for so long that I experienced my thoughts & emotions through the lens of another person’s perception of me, perception of what’s right and what’s wrong, and abandoning my self trust.

Self trust is a necessity, and the line I get to walk is surrendering without being completely taken over by the energy, desires, opinions, perceptions of anyone else. Surrender doesn’t mean to acquiesce or give up autonomy, it simply means to not resist.

How much energy do we expel resisting things that are. It’s cold, we’re in resistance by complaining, wishing it were warmer, maybe even looking into moving somewhere else. We get into a fender bender, we’re in resistance by beating ourselves up for not paying attention, blaming the other person for not driving correctly, yelling at our kids for distracting us, allowing it to ruin our day or week or longer.

Resistance is the common denominator in all of suffering.

Surrender doesn’t mean we don’t make a change in our environment when it’s toxic. Surrender means we accept what is, and forge a new path with the lessons acquired from the experience.

Through surrendering I’m learning to reclaim trust in myself.