A Story On Self-trust, Intuition, & Freedom

I've held onto this post for 6+ months.

Fear that people would misunderstand me. But realizing that that's going to happen in this life no matter what. People make up stories and make assumptions to fit what makes them comfortable or confirms whatever story because we like to be right-- we all do it.

I've always been an open book and shared about things most people wouldn't. Maybe it's tabboo, meant to be private, or whatever the reasoning is-- I've not been that person.

To feel resistance about sharing this particular piece (the ending of my marriage) of my story for nearly a year now has been interesting to wrestle with and navigate.

Sure, some might say it makes sense and you get to keep things private, and that's true for some-- but honestly that's not what I believe, I believe our stories are meant to be shared, that vulnerability and authenticity are a rarity. Everyone wants to look like they have it all together and keep up with the Jones'

What absolute bullshit.

You're struggling? Girl, me too, tell me about it and let's find a way that we can both move through it to the other side.
You feel lost and confused? I've been there, let me share what I learned and maybe you'll get something out of my story.

Stories are how we learn. Stories are how we survive & thrive. Stories are wisdom gained through hardship & triumph and they need to be told and heard. It doesn't have to be on social media-- but who are you sharing your story with? Whose story are you listening to?

I look happy, don’t I?

In reality I’d been struggling with depression for moths.

I was exhausted & overwhelmed, crippled by my lack of an identity outside of being a mom and wife.

Feeling trapped & lost within the sea of my internal world, which had become more of a raging, ocean, tossing me about with life’s happenings.

Constantly treading water and at times pleading “Would someone just throw me a goddamn liferaft?”

I was introduced to sensuality.

The senses, awareness, mind & body connection, and an honoring of the divine feminine. I began taking in information through a firehose.

I read a book called Pussy: A Reclamation that changed my life and my perspective on what it means to be a woman.

Turned my garage into a studio to teach breathwork & sensual embodiment classes.

Attended an intensive 3 month emotional intelligence training.

Experienced plant medicine for the first time.

I uncovered a lost sense of self-trust and self-worth. Realizing that I’d abandoned myself a long time ago. Which left me constantly searching outside myself for happiness and feeling… lost at sea.

I wondered what it would be like if I really listened & trusted myself…

Could I calm the chaos of my internal world?

Could I embrace a new version of myself?

Could I leave a seemingly perfect marriage?

A plant medicine ceremony confirmed & solidified the truth I knew deep within.

Looking at the stars and the moon with understanding. Excitement flooded over me.

I finally felt like I could trust myself.

A deep knowing that this was my soul’s journey and pact from above. I felt so much gratitude and reverence for the people in my life and the roles they played. I viscerally knew that there was no turning back now.

Leaning into sensuality had me trusting the connection between my body & my mind.

Leaning into sensuality had me feeling unbridled & free instead of lost in the sea of my emotions. Leaning into sensuality can do this for you too.

“Fine” doesn’t have to be your default setting. Your needs don’t have to come last. Making decisions gets to be easy. You get to trust yourself. I found it here, and I think you will too.